Resilience.

So much has happened in the past 3 months, both good and bad.
As much as I appear unfazed and nonchalant in front of others, the hardest times are when I am lying in my bed, this bed in redhill. Only when I look at the uncles and aunties around my neighbourhood, then do I realize, who am I to wallow in self-pity when there are
people out there living hand-to-mouth everyday, being resilient. I would like to believe that I am resilient compared to my peers, I’ve gone through stuff throughout my short life, problems many don’t have to face. Having said that, only now then did I realise that my
resilience had to be fuelled by someone else, and I have no one now.

Question: Is resilience really resilience if it is not internally motivated?
Then maybe I am weak all along because I relied on external support to get me through.
Or maybe I was once resilient, but I guess dependence eroded resilience, to the point that I am disoriented now that I have no one to depend on. The most laughable thing is that
everything was my own doing, or undoing, aptly put.

My feelings are brimming, but I can’t pour it out. I sometimes feel that its toxicity is
building up inside me, causing self-induced unhappiness. Thus, I try to cleanse through
creating “happiness” through social media, consumerism, entertainment. These things
feed the body, fool the brain, but cannot deceive the heart.
Behind the happy-go-lucky façade, I forgot the feeling of happiness. I once read something
along the lines of “stop looking for others for happiness”, that is, you should be happy by
yourself. Thing is, I can be. I just need time to relearn and get used to being alone again.
I would even say its analogous to taking away an old man’s walking stick.

Learn to continue walking forward.
Stop turning around, trying to smell the flowers you once saw because they have long
wilted or trying to admire the beauty of that magnificent butterfly because it has long flown away.
As I look ahead, it is a dull and empty road.
But I am hoping around the corner, is that familiar face I can share with, those flowers which brings colour to life, or even a beautiful stranger who might teach me how to love again.

Meh, its so easy to write motivational stuff, but to enact it is another thing altogether.
I might not be able to, in the end.
To be honest, I can’t really let go. Is that resilience as well?
This episode made me feel such disorienting and incommunicable emotions and feelings that it is carved in my bone now.

The next few weeks will be especially arduous for me as grit my teeth and accept a
distasteful concoction of finals, heartbreak, solitude, and caregiving.
All while maintaining that “everything’s fine” façade because that’s just who I am.

Songko

P.S. I apologize for the things I have done,
which  caused hurt and unhappiness to the ones I care for.

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